Are any club parents happy?

[Unregistered]

I am not that happy, but at least 50% of it is my daughter's issues and not so much the club. I also am not sure that it would be different with any other club. My U12 daughter has lots of skill and not enough intensity. The team is very clickey and centers around the alpha females. The coaches do not get involved in the social running of the team and, like any other coach, cherishes those more intense than those who are not. As a result of her lower social standing and her not being a coaches favorite, she does not get the same opportunity and playtime as the others on the team. She has increasingly become more and more what she is treated like i.e. a downward spiral.

I am wondering what the solution is....
If I can teach her how to be more intense, I would
Perhaps I should consider another team/coach/club
Perhaps I should have her consider another activity/sport?

Thanks buddy. And thanks for the thread. Another really good one.

[Unregistered]

The coaches do the same thing. Check out the thread the Rev DAP parents complaining that their coaches put their average kids in the DAP team then send them to the national training camps. If you are the coach and the parent, most likely you will do the same. So don't blame the parents. Parents pay for everthing after all. If the parents realized how bad this system truly is, you coaches can't even make a living.

Agree but bottom 5 parents think they should be middle tier, middle tier think they should be with the top group, B team parents think that there was a mistake in placement. I've heard comments from C and even D team parents that their kid really should be on the A team. All parents watch out for their kids and think that they are better than they are. The big problem in US soccer today: parents.

[Unregistered]

Has the OP shared his or her story yet?

Obviously the thread has not gone the way the OP expected.

It's actually going exactly the way I thought it would. You're welcome.

[Unregistered]

I am not that happy, but at least 50% of it is my daughter's issues and not so much the club. I also am not sure that it would be different with any other club. My U12 daughter has lots of skill and not enough intensity. The team is very clickey and centers around the alpha females. The coaches do not get involved in the social running of the team and, like any other coach, cherishes those more intense than those who are not. As a result of her lower social standing and her not being a coaches favorite, she does not get the same opportunity and playtime as the others on the team. She has increasingly become more and more what she is treated like i.e. a downward spiral.

I am wondering what the solution is....
If I can teach her how to be more intense, I would
Perhaps I should consider another team/coach/club
Perhaps I should have her consider another activity/sport?

Am not intending to come across as a dink but you clearly know your answer. If it isn't inside your daughter no change of scenery is going to make a difference. She either wants it or she doesn't. If she doesn't then you are just wasting your money trying to find an environmental solution.

[Unregistered]

Am not intending to come across as a dink but you clearly know your answer. If it isn't inside your daughter no change of scenery is going to make a difference. She either wants it or she doesn't. If she doesn't then you are just wasting your money trying to find an environmental solution.

You may or may not be right. Certainly at this time this player does not have the mental maturity to aggressive and intense, but she is still young. I know as a fact that there are late peakers both physically and mentally. But, how does one know and when do you find out?
Late peakers may not declare until Junior year in high school. So, what do you do until then?

My opinion: If you believe in your child and your child still wants to play then you do what you can to give as much opportunity to play and train. Find the right coach and right setting that your child will feel more free to experiment. Certainly having her/him in a setting where the coach already does not think much her/him and/or they don't feel good about the other players is not a great thing.

That said, for these reasons, we have not committed our kids to one particular sport at an early age.

[Unregistered]

You may or may not be right. Certainly at this time this player does not have the mental maturity to aggressive and intense, but she is still young. I know as a fact that there are late peakers both physically and mentally. But, how does one know and when do you find out?
Late peakers may not declare until Junior year in high school. So, what do you do until then?

My opinion: If you believe in your child and your child still wants to play then you do what you can to give as much opportunity to play and train. Find the right coach and right setting that your child will feel more free to experiment. Certainly having her/him in a setting where the coach already does not think much her/him and/or they don't feel good about the other players is not a great thing.

That said, for these reasons, we have not committed our kids to one particular sport at an early age.

It depends on the age. Intensity comes with confidence. If she has a d bag for a coach and teammates it is a toxic situation. My daughter was in the same situation on Boston Lightning as a U12. A clique of mean girls from Sudbury who shut everyone else out on the field and off. There were six of them and they would only pass to their clique. The parents stayed away from everybody else and the coach was clueless. The other 9 girls were on the outside looking in. Funny thing is that these were all good players and they should have been successful. They went 0-7 and score 2 goals all year. We pulled her and played her up with a U14 coach who was a family friend. He built her confidence up and my daughter went from being passive and indecisive to confident and aggressive. She went on to play in college and was not a great player but she was very good and passionate. At age 12 we thought she was going to walk away from the sport. I would not worry about won loss or team stature at U13 and under but get your kid into the hands of a coach who builds confidence and is fair. Watch how the kids interact when they are both playing and not playing.

[Unregistered]

It depends on the age. Intensity comes with confidence. If she has a d bag for a coach and teammates it is a toxic situation. My daughter was in the same situation on Boston Lightning as a U12. A clique of mean girls from Sudbury who shut everyone else out on the field and off. There were six of them and they would only pass to their clique. The parents stayed away from everybody else and the coach was clueless. The other 9 girls were on the outside looking in. Funny thing is that these were all good players and they should have been successful. They went 0-7 and score 2 goals all year. We pulled her and played her up with a U14 coach who was a family friend. He built her confidence up and my daughter went from being passive and indecisive to confident and aggressive. She went on to play in college and was not a great player but she was very good and passionate. At age 12 we thought she was going to walk away from the sport. I would not worry about won loss or team stature at U13 and under but get your kid into the hands of a coach who builds confidence and is fair. Watch how the kids interact when they are both playing and not playing.

Coaches being dinks is one thing but much of this still all comes down to what is inside of the child. Men seem to think that female group dynamics resolve themselves easily with a change of scenery. They don't. If the girl lacks confidence with one group why does everyone naturally assume another group will embrace her and erase all of those feelings of self doubt? In the real world it doesn't happen like that. The alpha beatches are on every team and all moving does is add the "outsider" tag which can be even harder for a young girl to over come. Pushing them to stick it out until 16-17 just so you can figure out whether they are a soccer player or not is just cruel.

[Unregistered]

Coaches being dinks is one thing but much of this still all comes down to what is inside of the child. Men seem to think that female group dynamics resolve themselves easily with a change of scenery. They don't. If the girl lacks confidence with one group why does everyone naturally assume another group will embrace her and erase all of those feelings of self doubt? In the real world it doesn't happen like that. The alpha beatches are on every team and all moving does is add the "outsider" tag which can be even harder for a young girl to over come. Pushing them to stick it out until 16-17 just so you can figure out whether they are a soccer player or not is just cruel.

So true. We moved my D last year to a much better situation - coach might not the best coach on the planet but he's passionate and enthusiastic and cares about the team. Her teammates are great and the parents are lovely. Just last May she was ready to quit altogether but now she loves it again. On paper her old team was "better" (league, coaching credentials, etc.) but the coach was a jerk, the girls very cliquey and there were enough awful parents to make watching games dreadful. Playing on a team, especially for girls I think (I also have boys and that stuff rolls off them) the intangibles can become very important.

[Unregistered]

Am not intending to come across as a dink but you clearly know your answer. If it isn't inside your daughter no change of scenery is going to make a difference. She either wants it or she doesn't. If she doesn't then you are just wasting your money trying to find an environmental solution.

It may not help to move, but if the situation is locked into bad, then you might as well try. Your daughters situation might be one part her and one part a rut she's stuck in. Move her. Try to find that helpful coach. Maybe try a lower team. Maybe she's ready to blossom. Maybe not, but if she isn't happy do something.

[Unregistered]

Coaches being dinks is one thing but much of this still all comes down to what is inside of the child. Men seem to think that female group dynamics resolve themselves easily with a change of scenery. They don't. If the girl lacks confidence with one group why does everyone naturally assume another group will embrace her and erase all of those feelings of self doubt? In the real world it doesn't happen like that. The alpha beatches are on every team and all moving does is add the "outsider" tag which can be even harder for a young girl to over come. Pushing them to stick it out until 16-17 just so you can figure out whether they are a soccer player or not is just cruel.

Thanks for caring about us.

[Unregistered]

Coaches being dinks is one thing but much of this still all comes down to what is inside of the child. Men seem to think that female group dynamics resolve themselves easily with a change of scenery. They don't. If the girl lacks confidence with one group why does everyone naturally assume another group will embrace her and erase all of those feelings of self doubt? In the real world it doesn't happen like that. The alpha beatches are on every team and all moving does is add the "outsider" tag which can be even harder for a young girl to over come. Pushing them to stick it out until 16-17 just so you can figure out whether they are a soccer player or not is just cruel.

A change of scenery is always advisable when there is a toxic environment. New coach with a new team puts everybody on the same level. My daughter also gained confidence by attending captains practices on her future HS team as an 8th grader. By that age she was already nearly the best player on the field and the Captains from the HS team knew her and embraced her. They were the alphas and they didn't allow cliques to form in ways that hurt the team. Getting away from the meangirls is sometimes all it takes.

[Unregistered]

A change of scenery is always advisable when there is a toxic environment. New coach with a new team puts everybody on the same level. My daughter also gained confidence by attending captains practices on her future HS team as an 8th grader. By that age she was already nearly the best player on the field and the Captains from the HS team knew her and embraced her. They were the alphas and they didn't allow cliques to form in ways that hurt the team. Getting away from the meangirls is sometimes all it takes.

Agree about fleeing toxic situations but it is just not as easy as you are portraying. We have found over the course of several daughters that all changing teams really does is introduce different problems, it doesn't actually solve the real problem which is really about the individual girl and her view of herself. Girls that have a strong sense of themselves do much better with that change than those who don't and all that changing teams does for an insecure young girl is exacerbate their feeling of inadequacy. This is one of those times where one should step back and ask how important soccer is and to whom.

[Unregistered]

Agree about fleeing toxic situations but it is just not as easy as you are portraying. We have found over the course of several daughters that all changing teams really does is introduce different problems, it doesn't actually solve the real problem which is really about the individual girl and her view of herself. Girls that have a strong sense of themselves do much better with that change than those who don't and all that changing teams does for an insecure young girl is exacerbate their feeling of inadequacy. This is one of those times where one should step back and ask how important soccer is and to whom.

Thanks buddy. You should post more often. Helpful stuff.

[Unregistered]

Thanks buddy. You should post more often. Helpful stuff.

LOL! And never mind your own experiences to the contrary: he still knows better.

[Unregistered]

Agree about fleeing toxic situations but it is just not as easy as you are portraying. We have found over the course of several daughters that all changing teams really does is introduce different problems, it doesn't actually solve the real problem which is really about the individual girl and her view of herself. Girls that have a strong sense of themselves do much better with that change than those who don't and all that changing teams does for an insecure young girl is exacerbate their feeling of inadequacy. This is one of those times where one should step back and ask how important soccer is and to whom.

This is some of the best advice I've read in this thread. The rest of what is here is just from club jumpers who never bother to question whether their jumping is actually doing anything for their daughters. They'll never be happy because the real issue isn't their team, coach or club. It is their daughter and either her social awkwardness or her inability to play soccer well.