Originally posted by Unregistered
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Sad......sad is what this reply is. A reply from one of the parents with the clique daughter. First, this is a the type of parent that is part of the problem that might even see the cliques and isolations but cherishes it when his kid is part of the larger group.
Second, I would hope every parent is protective of their child and figures out a way to get their child to a point of feeling great about being out on what ever field or in whatever arena they are in.
The OP story is also third hand. However, it doesn't really matter who is telling the story, it is a real phenomena and what that is necessary. To be sure, it is not limited to girls as my son has gone through it as well. There are several levels to this and one should not minimize the role of the coach. Kids and teenagers are going to be who they are as they develop socially. There will always be leaders and followers and the 'alpha-male' exist for girls as well as for boys. The situation is more harsh when the larger group starts the teasing further isolates the 'runt' of the litter. Kids are not different than a pack of animals. While the 'alphas' are trying to exert their authority, the runts become the target of negative commentary. Developmentally, this is how kids try to get around their own insecurities and doubts.....by making someone else look bad. It is a pathologic way to develop and somewhat reflective of the parents.....like the one above.
If it is your kid who has been isolated, there are three ways around it. The easiest way, and what was done in this OP story, is to remove the child. Although it does depend on how much the child is 'suffering' or hates it, however, this route does not teach your child anything other than quitting. Although it can be misconstrued as 'if you don't like something just walk away', it does not teach someone how to handle adversity nor how to become more accepted.
A second route is to talk to the coach or the assistant coach. By and large, this is an under-appreciated part of the problem and more so for younger kids (10-14) who have not really developed leaders with maturity or proper direction. The coaches, however, are supposed to be mature leaders. To see it and do nothing is irresponsible. Although the role of the coaches is to teach soccer skill and the game, they are also supposed to promote the 'team' and incorporate all. To do anything less is a failure of the coach. The coach is supposed to support each kid equally and provide a developing environment. Anything less is a failure of the coach. To go one level lower, in my kids case, the coach was teasing the 'runt' as well. When I approached the assistant coach about this, I was told that they didn't get involved in the social aspects of the team.
The third route is to teach your child how to deal with adversity. Assuming that your kid really enjoys the game and isn't on the field to satisfy the parent, then the lesson can be taught and can be very valuable. The parent has to be the support structure for the kid since the coaches and teammates are not providing that for him/her. When the game is no longer fun then development suffers and the kid spirals downward. When the player no longer feels free to play the game, try new things, and risk making mistakes then development is lost. For us, my kid and I kicked around more which provided the more 'fun' part. It is up to the parent to help develop confidence and security. Some kids have it naturally, and many more don't. When she went to practices, I instructed to 'prove to all the others that she was as good' and if there were any doubts that she 'should prove them and the coaches wrong'. To do so included an increase in necessary and appropriate aggressiveness during practices and games. This might even include more physical play and perhaps directed more at one of the more vocal teammates.....the loud-mouth (child of the above poster). Although this might sound like negative teaching it is simply a way to remove self fear and to remove insecurity. From this point on, my kid played much better, became a more significant part of the team, and was more accepted. Their were still the alpha's who were the same (probably child of the poster above), but even that one was more quiet.
There are different ways to handle this, but you, as the parent, should not expect others to do your work for you. You might like to see cooperation from the coaches, and perhaps other parents, but don't expect them to notice what is happening or not happening to your child. That is your job. At a risk of defending the coaches behavior (I am not), but for a coach of 16-18 kids, the more aggressive kids who are hustling are always going to get more support since each coach is looking to win. This is, in part, counter toward development of the less aggressive and energetic kids and might even send the message that the coach is less concerned or directed toward some. Welcome to youth sports in todays world. However, it is part of life and all have to learn how to deal with it.
Second, I would hope every parent is protective of their child and figures out a way to get their child to a point of feeling great about being out on what ever field or in whatever arena they are in.
The OP story is also third hand. However, it doesn't really matter who is telling the story, it is a real phenomena and what that is necessary. To be sure, it is not limited to girls as my son has gone through it as well. There are several levels to this and one should not minimize the role of the coach. Kids and teenagers are going to be who they are as they develop socially. There will always be leaders and followers and the 'alpha-male' exist for girls as well as for boys. The situation is more harsh when the larger group starts the teasing further isolates the 'runt' of the litter. Kids are not different than a pack of animals. While the 'alphas' are trying to exert their authority, the runts become the target of negative commentary. Developmentally, this is how kids try to get around their own insecurities and doubts.....by making someone else look bad. It is a pathologic way to develop and somewhat reflective of the parents.....like the one above.
If it is your kid who has been isolated, there are three ways around it. The easiest way, and what was done in this OP story, is to remove the child. Although it does depend on how much the child is 'suffering' or hates it, however, this route does not teach your child anything other than quitting. Although it can be misconstrued as 'if you don't like something just walk away', it does not teach someone how to handle adversity nor how to become more accepted.
A second route is to talk to the coach or the assistant coach. By and large, this is an under-appreciated part of the problem and more so for younger kids (10-14) who have not really developed leaders with maturity or proper direction. The coaches, however, are supposed to be mature leaders. To see it and do nothing is irresponsible. Although the role of the coaches is to teach soccer skill and the game, they are also supposed to promote the 'team' and incorporate all. To do anything less is a failure of the coach. The coach is supposed to support each kid equally and provide a developing environment. Anything less is a failure of the coach. To go one level lower, in my kids case, the coach was teasing the 'runt' as well. When I approached the assistant coach about this, I was told that they didn't get involved in the social aspects of the team.
The third route is to teach your child how to deal with adversity. Assuming that your kid really enjoys the game and isn't on the field to satisfy the parent, then the lesson can be taught and can be very valuable. The parent has to be the support structure for the kid since the coaches and teammates are not providing that for him/her. When the game is no longer fun then development suffers and the kid spirals downward. When the player no longer feels free to play the game, try new things, and risk making mistakes then development is lost. For us, my kid and I kicked around more which provided the more 'fun' part. It is up to the parent to help develop confidence and security. Some kids have it naturally, and many more don't. When she went to practices, I instructed to 'prove to all the others that she was as good' and if there were any doubts that she 'should prove them and the coaches wrong'. To do so included an increase in necessary and appropriate aggressiveness during practices and games. This might even include more physical play and perhaps directed more at one of the more vocal teammates.....the loud-mouth (child of the above poster). Although this might sound like negative teaching it is simply a way to remove self fear and to remove insecurity. From this point on, my kid played much better, became a more significant part of the team, and was more accepted. Their were still the alpha's who were the same (probably child of the poster above), but even that one was more quiet.
There are different ways to handle this, but you, as the parent, should not expect others to do your work for you. You might like to see cooperation from the coaches, and perhaps other parents, but don't expect them to notice what is happening or not happening to your child. That is your job. At a risk of defending the coaches behavior (I am not), but for a coach of 16-18 kids, the more aggressive kids who are hustling are always going to get more support since each coach is looking to win. This is, in part, counter toward development of the less aggressive and energetic kids and might even send the message that the coach is less concerned or directed toward some. Welcome to youth sports in todays world. However, it is part of life and all have to learn how to deal with it.
These are trivial aspects to growing up and used to be treated as such.
Like the game she is playing, it will mean nothing in 3 or 4 years.
But not today, where almost every parent feels they have to compensate for the "sins of our fathers".
More angst over soccer in this country than the failures of the educational system.
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