Michigan - but funny as heck!

Michigan soccer is lampooned in FullRide's fabulous blog.

http://fullridesoon.************/

Re: Michigan - but funny as heck!

My HS all-star has received much better offers for academics than soccer.

Re: Michigan - but funny as heck!

Somebody desperately wants their blog read. This is posted on many forums. Typical amateur attempt at sarcastic humor. Not very funny or fresh.

Re: Michigan - but funny as heck!

I thought it pretty funny.

Re: Michigan - but funny as heck!

I don't think I got all the jokes because it sounds like there are some specific coaches involved (Reefer, Splif and Bong!!) but I did think it was funny - plus I think she uses humor to make some serious points too.

Re: Michigan - but funny as heck!

This one is the best...

Happy New Year
I resolve that in 2009 I will not talk about the other kids on the team behind their parent’s backs - apart from that snotty striker kid whose fat *** mom gets right up my nose with all her comments about how good her dopehead kid is.

I resolve that in 2009 I will get off the goalkeeper’s back. It’s not her fault that she has impaired vision and a weight problem. I resolve to become friends with her parents and lend them any support they might need to find another club come tryout time.

I resolve that in 2009 I will fully support our coach by advising him about how well I know the game. I will also support him by shouting contradictory instructions from the sidelines so that the players on our team will know that they have options.

I resolve that in 2009 I will stick rigidly to the 24-hour rule and will wait at least that amount of time after each game before reminding the dumb*** coach just who pays his wages.

I resolve that in 2009 I will teach my kids the principals of loyalty and teamwork by being completely dedicated to our team, coach and club. Any winter training or pre-tryout coaching we do with other teams will be purely to make my kid better to support our team and not with the intention of jumping ship first chance we get. I will not start planning which club we are going to next June until after Christmas day.

I resolve that in 2009 I will hire a private trainer, work my kids into submission, weasel my way in with anyone who can help me, undermine every other kid we know, flaunt my cleavage at college coaches, spend every penny and then some on high priced clubs, tryout for the academy and ODP then criticize those programs if we don’t make it, and remind everyone that it’s just a game.

I resolve that in 2009 I will maintain my healthy sense of perspective that sets me apart from all those other fanatical parents.

Re: Michigan - but funny as heck!

I thought her first entry was the best:

Most of you parents who have kids that play on the lesser teams will be smart enough to know that youth soccer is like the rest of life – it’s tough – so I think you’ll all find it easy to accept that, compared to my daughter, your kids suck. My daughter plays for the Vardar Elite Gator Eating Wolves U5 girls in the Midwest Regional Academy Kindergarten League (Premier Division). We rock!

Over the winter we won a tournament featuring teams from as far away as Macomb County; so that effectively makes it a national championship. Actually, now that I think about it, one of teams we hammered had a girl from Canada on the roster, so really that makes us International World Champions. As a reward I presented the coach with a new stop watch so that he can be a little bit more careful in ensuring that my daughter gets enough minutes on the field to ensure we win every game. I appreciate that he might want to rest his hot shot once in a while but not before we have a twelve goal cushion.
Good coaching is the key to our success. The coach runs a fantastic system which he calls “playing to our strengths” but we parents call it “let’s make sure the fat kid plays in goal”. I think the coach has responded well to our lawyer’s letter regarding the way he spoke to our daughter last fall.

Even though she’s only in first grade my daughter tried out for her high school team this spring but the bitch of a coach only offered her a spot on the JV roster – so next year we’ll be using schools of choice to put that coach right in her place! To get over that minor disappointment we’ve purchased my daughter a spot on the ODP roster this summer.

We parents have just as important a role to play in the team’s development as the coach, so myself and a number of the other moms have formed a cheer leading squad to encourage the girls. Our best routines are the “Outrageous Laugh” for when the other team screws up, the “Call It Both Ways” for the biased, old, fat, blind referees the league employs, and the “Good Boot” for when one of our girls hoofs the ball up the field to no one in particular. We call our cheerleaders “The Intimidators”.

Of course all this success comes at a price and I had to beat my daughter with a stick to get her into the car on Saturday morning. She wanted to stay home to watch Hannah Montana and play with her Barbie dolls, but I think she knows there will be plenty time for that when she gets home from therapy.

Re: Michigan - but funny as heck!

Updated. Still funny!

Re: Michigan - but funny as heck!

Latest update talks about the academy - funny and thought provoking.

Re: Michigan - but funny as heck!

Monday, February 16, 2009
Developing The Premier Player
The soccer world will be delighted to know that a reputable website has demonstrated a level of class and sophistication beyond what I am used to here in the frozen mid-west by picking up on my blog. This website also has a thread entitled “What Makes The Premier Player?” Being the parent of two outstanding soccer legends (let’s not talk about ‘the boy’) I’m sure you will all be desperate to get my take on the subject.

The first and foremost requirement in creating a premier player is high-priced coaching. And I’m not talking about the makeshift, read-it-off-the-back-of-a-Wheaties-box stuff which passes for coaching with all those clubs apart from the one my daughters play with.

No, I’m talking about world class, cutting edge instruction such as that to be found at the Victoria Beckham Soccer Academy. The fragrant side of soccer’s royal couple has the solid experience you need to give credibility to her soccer syllabus which includes:
1 – How to make a long and distinguished career with a distinct lack of talent.
2 – The ‘push-up’ principal and how to use it to catch the eye.
3 – How to marry into a talented soccer team.
4 – Breeding the next generation of soccer superstars.
5 – The cut and run back to Europe technique.

Almost as important is the need to look the part. Intimidating the opposition by showing up in matching ClimaDryFit gear with warm-up shirts and three full uniform sets for home, away and alternate occasions is an essential part of the modern game. It is very encouraging to see Michigan clubs adopting the same techniques used by world class teams like Madchester Untied who have perfected the art of using the multiple uniform tactical formation to generate solid results.

It goes without saying that equipment is essential. My readers will be distressed to learn that my own promising soccer career ground to halt when my mis-guided parents spent too much time focusing on whether or not my cleats fitted me. Had they had the benefit of the knowledge I have since gained they would have known that I could have been a world beater if only my cleats had been fashioned from the skin of a recently deceased antipodean marsupial, and been complete with enhanced predator elements, weight shift power shot technology, and surface specific traxion power drives. Parents should also be aware that providing your offspring with the cheapest pair of cleats on an 18 man roster can lead to ridicule and a career ending loss of confidence.

Of course the games you play are a prime consideration. It is a scientifically proven fact that it is impossible to find the level of competition you need to develop as a premier player within a 400 mile radius of your team’s home base. Recent research has indicated that crossing two state lines is the minimum requirement to get a half way decent game of soccer. Fortunately the modern soccer environment is blessed with a number of dedicated individuals who are willing to travel such distances on a regular basis to support your prospect for a trifling recompense, travel expenses, and full lodging at a minimum 4 star hotel.

In summary, what it takes to be a premier player is very simple; $120,000.
Posted by FullRideSoon at 1:55 PM

Re: Michigan - but funny as heck!

New posts added.

http://fullridesoon.************/

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Monday, March 16, 2009
Up And Running!
Well, at last, my eldest daughter’s high school junior year soccer season has started in earnest! March’s tryout week has come and gone, ending with the traditional naming of the varsity roster that was chosen before Christmas. All that remains of the selection process is the blind disregard of the letters of complaint to the Athletic Director, and the tearful anonymous posts on the local on-line forum.

I just don’t understand why some parents get so stressed out at this time of year. Really, in your heart of hearts, you know whether or not you have donated enough to the booster’s fund for your kid to be sure of a varsity spot. The only real interest for me is trying to work out which parents will be far too proud to let their darling daughters accept a spot on the JV roster. Sometimes it can be as long as ten days before these sad losers are back in your face bragging about how their star is playing SuperMRL Premier Academy Elite with some out of state team that takes advantage of Michigan’s laissez-faire attitude to the sporting seasons. When will they learn that just because you are good at the game doesn’t mean that you are a ‘player’?

We play our first game tonight! It’s the traditional, non-conference, season opener against our old friends from the local, hopelessly under funded, public: Patsy High School. I’m not sure how I feel about the district forcing us to play these cannon fodder teams right off the bat. Sometimes it gives the girls a false sense of how we stack up. Still, it’s a home game, so if we mercy them early enough I can still be home in time to watch Dancing With the Stars